Josh's Site

Huiyi

2011-03-11T09:33:00.000-08:00

Huiyi,

You're special, you make me feel invincible, as if I could fly. But I can't deal with your past. IT COMES BACK TO BITE ME EVERYTIME.

HELP, HELP, HELP!

I scream.

Voices whisper in my head-

Get the fuck out.
Get the fuck out.

Pumping as if frenzied, the heart intervenes.

Don't, don't, don't let go.

Caught in between, at the crossroads still- silence.

I pray for this peace to last, but I fear it is the calm before the storm.

Will I ever find the answers I seek? Or the courage to lead my life?

I'm tired. Release me from the embrace of fear.

Only when I've conquered you shall I truly be free.

Will I be another one? Just another one? Or will I be that special someone to you?

Somehow I feel that you're just tolerating me.

Whence the time I fail to succeed shall come to pass,

I hope death would take me in his embrace. that I may truly be liberated.

How do I free myself from the shackles that binds me? It's getting heavier, harder to breathe.

Might I one day shoot myself, please don't blame me.

Just what does it mean to love?

2011-01-14T08:01:00.001-08:00

I've proclaimed it a thousand times, I've performed a thousand gestures.
I've pull you out of quicksand only to get sunk myself.
I've played by all the rules while you have broken every single one.
I bring you in while you leave me out.

All I want is a warm pair of arms to reside in forever,
feeling your love travel somehow across to me.
But you never fail to keep me at an arm's length.
Not too far for me to go, but never too near for me to hold.

You always pick the worst times to drop the worst lines.
Never contributing, always expecting returns.
I'm tired of this charade, I'm tired of this game.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm never good enough for you.
If that is what it truly is, I would wish you all the best with whatever you do.
Just promise- and don't tell- to never bait me in again.

When words and hearts turn cold

2011-01-12T06:45:00.000-08:00

Nothing beats of chill of falling from arms that used to wrap you in warmth.
Your gaze turns cold,
Your breath forms clouds,
Your words are razor sharp,
Your love taken away.

Sorrow, hate, loneliness!
He proclaims
I shall take you all on once for all!
His voice triumphant, his boast loud.
But none would have prepare him,
For his final hour.

A thrust, into eternal slumber,
Formed of his hand.

03 01 2011

2011-01-03T08:03:00.000-08:00

Maybe I should just die. No one will miss me anyway. :)

Her life was so fun before me. Maybe I should return it to her.

03 01 2011

2011-01-03T07:36:00.001-08:00

It's a first post of the new year. I swore many things to myself as I have over the past 19 years of my short life.

I can never be as good as who you are. I'm sorry. I can climb, only to fall. I can run, only to be caught up with. I can swallow it up, but for how long?

I don't know, this is a random, rambling post of Sorrow? If you could call it that.

I've never been one which people would look at and say, "This guy's something. I wanna know him, I want to be like him." In fact, if left to theirs and my own devices, I would fade into oblivion. Unnoticed, unwanted, unknown to all. In the shadows I lurk, never liking sunlight- it scorches, it burns, it's too bright, the heat is suffocating.

So what if I have done what I have? It shows for nothing. There is always someone better with more talent, skill, finesse and grace. I'm the lumbering blacksmith that forges crude weapons for crude wars. There is no beauty in my craft. Only the occasional glimpse and then it's gone. That sparkle, fleeting and unendurable.

The love of my life. I do not know if I'm hers. With all my heart and soul I've poured. I know not how she truly feels. I offer sanctuary. Maybe that was the reason why she chose me. Not for my qualities. For I have none save what is discarded. She wants a knight in shining armour to save her. To sweep her off her feet to the biggest castle in all the land. So she can finally live her life, she says. Is it me that she loves? I am haunted, chased by my inner demons.

Because I know at the end of the day, I am not good enough for her. I am not handsome enough to match her beauty. I am not civilized enough to match her grace. And while she is full of flair and talent, a stormcloud hangs over me drenching me with nothing but shame. For I am a man with nothing to call my own. Not anything, not love. Definitely not love. For God's sakes, I'm not even as smart as her.

I sometimes quietly wish that death would steal me away. Silently. Erase my existence from this world- for it had no meaning, nothing to fight for. All was an illusion, all was a lie, all I knew was pain.

That I may quietly go as I have come would be my greatest work.

Embarrassed

2010-11-10T04:39:00.000-08:00

Well, what more can I say? With your dad posting on your fb wall all the time, your girlfriend changing your name to farting teddy, ARGH.

I don't know... Recently I've been feeling really lousy about myself. And all I'm doing is hiding into the world of video games. Where did all the times I use to have go?

I used to be so madly in love and could think of nothing else at all.
Then she stopped responding to me the way she did.

I used to run and throw everything into the backdrop when it mattered.
Now I can't even walk 2km without a cramped leg.

I used to watch a person's face change when I stepped and left him behind.
Now the sidestep and the dream of playing rugby is nothing more- than a dream.

I used to play soccer and waltz through every defender to the rhythm of my own song playing in my head.
Now I can't even score.

I used to have a best friend which I could talk to for hours. Just pouring out all that I feel.
Now I can't even talk to her without worrying that my actions would mislead her.

Not that my super scrapped knee or fucked up shoulder helps at all.
I had it all once.
I lost it all- again.
Why can't I keep the things I love and treasure most? I mean, it's not that I don't try.
But the sheer volume is too much to bear.
I hide, when embarrassing things happen and I can't account to people.
Choosing the way of the hermit instead.

All I can handle right now is huiyi. All that I love right now is huiyi. All that I fear is her too.

When the clock strikes twelve-
Where would I be?
Would I be where and who I sought to be?

If - 23/10/10

2010-10-23T07:10:00.000-07:00

If I'm important why isn't there a single mention of me, if I'm your world then why is it outside you see? If I'm the one then why is it doubt now I feel? If time heals all wounds then why does it seemed to have stopped.

Then again, if I'm sure, why do I ask.

How can I pretend to be alright when my whole world's falling apart? How can I smile? The smiles that felt so full of life are just now discrepant from what they're meant to be and hollow facades meant to hide my inner torment.

Every step I took, I took in your way thinking you'd be at the end.
Every breath I take I think back to the time I promised that for you I'd never not catch it.
Every heart I fold, my true feelings are hidden within.
Every fall I take I get back up.
Every shatter I hear just makes the next one a little colder.

I see now. My eyes are open. My ears hear. And my nose breathes.
You never truly loved me.
You can hide behind that pretty face and whisper things into my ear I'd like to hear.
All I see is who you really are- a wolf in sheepskin.
All I hear are, "Lies. Lies. Lies. I'm lying ever more to you, yet you're stupid enough to believe it."
But I can't get out.
All the wonderful times and memories I had I believed to be true.
But it isn't, it wasn't and it'll never be.
When will I get the courage to tell you that I've had enough.
When will I face you.
When will I face him.

Circa pectus pectoris effrego

This is a strictly emo blogsite and post

2010-02-15T07:12:00.000-08:00

No one knows how my family operates.

On the outside, we are a happy asian family whom everyone views as ideal.

We stay in a semi-detached house that belongs to my grandfather, the kids (us) are grown up now and I know we have some form of maturity however it chooses to present itself.

But underneath all good things, there is always a bad side hidden from view.

We, my mum dad brothers and I, are cursed with eternal unhappiness so long as we stay in this place. Every movement is judged, every breath is short and fast and every moment of our waking lives we spend with the weight of the world on our shoulders. (By this I mean to say that we are bogged down with our OWN problems and not that we are burdened by all the world's problems. Honestly, I feel, there isn't an end to the world's problems and it's going to get even more fucked up from hereon out.)

The heart of the human mind is what I believe to be the most important component of the spirit, soul or whatever you may choose to refer to it as. (How you are received by others is a direct result of how open they are towards you.)

On this chinese new year, words were flung like knives and like knives they were used to cut. My grandfather, a man whom I deeply respect and love, under persistent influence over many fucking bad years threw us the final verdict. If we were any good at all at handling our lives, he said, then we should be able to get our own place. Move out I hope I shall. For it is due to someone beside him that his heart is lost, it is no longer open to us and we do not have a place in it for now. I can only hope that one day his eyes would be open and he would be able to see the bitch for what it is and that we really love him.

I wish the world was simpler and that we had no purpose and use for acts like hatred and denial. I wish the world revolved around love instead of hate.

Contemplated Confessions

2009-07-01T09:54:00.000-07:00

For all those out there who have an older sibling; this message goes out to you and you know who.

Remember the time when you were young and green? The world was an endless playground paradise where you skipped around with your brothers and sisters; feeling wonderfully protected by older siblings who cared about you.

However, all good things come to an end. You siblings get to know more people whom they called "Friends"; Friends who promised to divulge more about the world to them; Friends who were infinitely more interesting and less annoying than the little brother or sister who always wanted to tag along but was always refused a place. Alas, this pains me to say, but more often than not, this drives them to seek all of their affirmation on what their friends deemed as worthy of time; the little one always being left behind.

Have you ever felt like you were watching the back of someone who wanted nothing to do with you even though it isn't supposed to be like that? The shield that kept you warm over the childhood years vanishes in a fleeting moment. You don't even know why or how it happened. All you know is that the person who you've been chasing all the time, trying to gain acknowledgment from turns around and chomps down on you hard so that he can bring that piece of meat back to his scavenger friends to play with and laugh at before they eat.

Worn and beaten, you return with a heavy heart, wishing the worst for the one you called Big Brother and wanting not anything related to him. Oh, but it doesn't stop there, no. You see, as the years go by, the friends change, you, don't. Every new friend he makes, he needs another piece of meat, to display a wide array of "brotherly" humour that he thinks will help him win friends over. They just keep taking and taking and taking. All the while telling you how much he needs it. " Look at that fat shit of a brother, isn't he such a pig? " " I need ten bucks to go out. " " Hey, let me borrow your stuff for a while. "

The worst of all, they ALWAYS keep your stuff for their own. " I use this more than you, so I should have it. "

Older brothers are always born with a FALSE sense of superiority. " I'm better than you in every aspect. I'm smarter; wiser; stronger; fitter; blah blah blah. " WHY WON'T THEY JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY?

Well here's news for you, I don't intend to screw up my life as you have done, I don't intend to grow fat and still think I'm MEGA fit, I don't intend to weep like a pussy and grovel whenever I don't get what I want, I don't intend to treat people like the fucking shit way that you do.

MOST OF ALL, I don't want to become like you!

If you hate me for doing this, GO FUCKING AHEAD. I don't give a flying fuck to what you think. You're a selfish prick and you ought to be ashamed. Try reflecting for a change, scum.

Chang Yuan

Reflection on life

2009-04-08T12:50:00.000-07:00

Hey blog, it's been awhile.

I've been thinking about life and reading some things I probably don't even need nor would get to use. Like every other AFC (Average frustrated chump), I may be inflicted with what one calls one-itis. Where one girl becomes the center of attention and all others wane in comparison till the point it becomes almost an obsession. I have always been this way since I was a kid and am probably going to stay that way till my dying days.

However, given all of that and more, I've always wanted to know how it would feel like to be popular, to be the center of attention of everyone in the room and most of all, to be the Alpha male of the group. So I started reading a book called the Game. Some of you have heard of it, some have not. Bottom line is, that book has caused all of my convictions on relationships, girls and life into a HUGE confusing swirl.

Firstly, that nice guys may finish last, but not always and the process may take a very long time. Secondly, that happy endings do not happen. Even if you are the most popular person ever. So why on earth do movies, stories, etc all end with one? More importantly, why is it that such shows get the highest ratings, the books bestsellers? I believe that even though we know that it doesn't happen, inside us we still want to cheer the loser or nice guy on and hopefully he achieves the happy ending he "deserves". This is so not reflective of modern society, I know of a few nice guys, but unlike the stories, they do not get what they deserve. Instead, some other guy who is better at manipulating others shows up and whisks the girl of his dream away right in front of him. The cruelest line on earth, "I'm sorry, I just want to be friends. By the way, have you met my boyfriend BLAH BLAH?"

My answer to all of this is, if a girl is unable to see underneath the superficial layer and see you for who you are, there is no point in her. She'd probably be meant for somewhere else. For all nice guys out there, never lose faith in the quest for the one you would end up loving. As for those who are just having fun, well, have fun. Both are not mutually exclusive, but please exercise it at a socially acceptable way.

Oh, by the way, Elisha Cuhbert IS WAY GORGEOUS.

Yours truly and always,
Chang

02/02/09

2009-02-02T05:46:00.000-08:00

Hey blog.

Today was the start of the new year in the sense that we had J1s joining us for the first time this year. Yes, it is their first day of orientation. Today was a good day generally except for economics. My gosh is the lecture sure boring. Moving on to other things, my form in sports generally has been free-falling with no restraints. Yes, you guessed it. I sucked in rugby training today. I'm sure I definitely could have done better. But I was playing like a headless chicken with no direction whatsoever. Our old coach officially returned to coach us for the upcoming season. But seeing him stroke a tinge of guilt within me as I realised that since the days when he was coaching me, I had deproved tremendously to a point where I'm sure that I would have not been able to recognise myself.

On the other hand, I'd been hit with a new perspective that what characterises a guy is that he is constantly looking for a good fuck.(pardon the profanity) That we are all cheap scum. Is it truly the way that we are programmed? Are guys pleasure seeking and insensitive by nature? I'd have to agree to a large extent. However, I'd like to provide the counter perspective that the world has played a huge role in "moulding", if you may, guys into such despicable characters. If a guy was nice, he'd be deemed boring, this is just what the social mentality is. But, I do not by any means, consent nor sanction the idea that the males of my generation are not at fault at all. Rather, I'd say most of the responsiblity falls on the male gender's shoulders. So, on this note, I want to apologise for all the women out there who've fallen prey to scum.

Signing Off
Chang

20/1/2009

2009-01-20T04:17:00.000-08:00

Blog, I find myself needing your ear once again. Today I had a relisation that I actually have had for a while but have been putting off. I need to be unselfish in my actions and stop thinking that I'm the best in everything I do. It actually works against me. I feel terrible doing it. But at the same time, when I'm doing it, it actually makes me feel a sense of superiority that isn't actually healthy. I could feel the aura I was emitting. It said, " I'm WAY AHEAD of you."

Please, if I can, I want to change.

17/01/09

2009-01-17T03:05:00.000-08:00

This week was a week of immense revelation. I realised that for others to feel comfortable with you, you first have to stop being so needy. Hopefully this would get me out of my slump. On to bigger things other than myself, I realised too that how mean and unfeeling humans can be to one another. Why is it that we always have to put down others? Even when sometimes, all that they wanted to do was to help us? Does it fulfill some kind of perverted need we have or is it that we truly are like that inside? I'd like to think not, but then again who or what can truly define what human nature really is? And why is it that we find it so hard to let go of past grieviences? Is it because we feel that the other party is not in his/her own right trying to stop the cycle of hatred? I don't know. I really don't. All I know is that for someone to be truly satisfied with the world, he/she must adopt a more, "Bad things will happen no matter what." kind of approach and viewpoint towards life. All of us, at some point, have to learn how to leave things be.

Unfortunate stuff now, I just popped my shoulder once again during rugby training. Believe me, it hurt like MAD. Sadly, it happened at a time where I was starting to become injury free again and playing to the best of my ability on top of my game. The feeling of frustration is indescripable.

Well blog, your time and space has always been a solace to me. Thank you once again.

Chang Yuan

12/1/2009

2009-01-12T05:32:00.000-08:00

Today was the start of school, dreaded, dreaded school. I can't say that I am unhappy returning to school as it beats rotting at home and doing nothing. Moreover, there was that class bullshitness amongst the guys going on that no one would ever want to miss out on. It was one of the most annoying starting days ever as our lessons ran all the way till 5 while we had only one break throughout the day at 10 in the morning. Overall, there were some changes in our teaching line-up. But nevertheless, as all teachers would, they assured us that we were receiving excellent teachers. (Not much complaints on that part.)

After the whole exhausting day, rugby training commenced. I supposed I could have ran more but I just felt too drained to do so.

Dear blog, why is it that I am seen as someone that's annoying to all by those who don't know me? I try my best to be nice, helping out in whatever ways I can. This may be interpreted as neediness I suppose. But I really really want to change what others think about me and how I feel about myself. Cause I really feel like SHIT. The chronic loneliness is ever ready to strike, crouched in an offensive position. It poisons me, eats me up from the inside. Yet I am powerless to do anything about it. I don't want to talk to others only to see this in their eyes, "I can't wait to get rid of you."

Thanks for listening once again.

10/1/09

2009-01-09T05:18:00.000-08:00

Hey blog. How long has it been since I last talked to you?

Today we had the cj open house and we played touch rugby all the way. It lasted nearly 6 hours, crazy isn't it? Boy, do I suck at touch. I played so badly that I let my team mates down. There were hardly any sec 4 students though. I think there might have been a misunderstanding between my teammates and I. Every time something bad happens, I'd blame myself terribly for it. It may look as if I was upset with someone else but I'm actually mad at myself. I think that might actually cause my teammates to be pissed at me. But I think it's all about knowing what I'm thinking before assuming something. However, it's definitely my fault if I did convey some wrong expressions through my face.

On another note, I finally admit that I have a problem. That is what I call chronic loneliness. I am shunned, I appear happy, but actually deep down I know it isn't how I feel. Inside it is an empty shell, one that haunts me relentlessly. I do the best in whatever I do, but somehow its just to fill up that hole in my mind.

Well, blog. That's all. Thanks for listening to what I have to say always.
Chang.

Rant.

2008-07-28T08:49:00.000-07:00

This is so not happening to me. There are endless streams of assignments and who on earth can tell me how to stop the spinning that never ends in my head?

With gritted teeth and clenched fists, I walk on.

28th Feb 2008

2008-02-28T02:52:00.000-08:00

Today I listened to a intricate melody woven through creativity that so expresses what I want to hear. Once again, it's by Saosin.

So come close, this is who we are. Come on, you can show yourself.
So come close, this is who we are. Come on, you can be yourself again!

No one has any idea how I long for the idea of someone accepting me for who I am in school.
So tell me, is it right to feel that we're only getting smaller? I really do feel as if I'm better liked when I shut up. That's exactly what I'm going to do from now on. If it helps you to see the pain I'm in, imagine being pinned down under six feet of solid glass.

27th of February 2008

2008-02-27T02:23:00.000-08:00

To install the notion that I divided by, I replaced the occasion to speak. Siren, siren, don't do this dance in my ear, I've already lost it.

Beautiful lines. I couldn't agree more. Has anyone ever felt like they couldn't be at home? Hello, this totally sucks! The feeling of isolation, the pressure crushing down, the swirl of needless thoughts. I really do believe that where I am now, I'll be better off if I do shut up. It seems like I can't be the usual loud self that I am. I'll have to split myself in half, kill off any instincts of outbursts. To retain whatever I can of myself, I'd keep it locked. Safely away in someone.

Pain drifts like air, surrounding. Deception prevails.

We owned in dragon boating! 1T25. The temporary feeling of togetherness.

CNY 08

2008-02-08T10:29:00.000-08:00

Time so flies! 2 years has past since my last post. First off, I'm in the best JC ever! That's my own personal opinion of course. What makes it the best are the people who're inside Catholic Junior College. The people here are the friendliest ever that I've met! After this week though, there'll only be a week's time with th people here as I'm considering moving to ACJC. I'll definitely miss everyone. IG09, 1T24, guys in rugby that I know, etc. Tom, Rich, Jiayi, Wei Dong, Bowen, Wang Chang, Shireen, Nicholle, Peter(Germaine), Chang Yong, Thivya, Cheryl, Isabelle, Minghwee, Mad, Preschooler(Jas), Qiao Yi, Jocelyn, Judith, Joy, Natalie(Nat), Suan(Shiu-an), Cherie, Grace. Of course, not to forget our FAB facils Rheyza and Rod! Kenneth, Hansel, Bryan, Jon, Josh, Ting Yi, Darren, Alex, Vishnu, Serene, Serena, Trini, Bessie, Jorain, Melissa, Rachel, Guan Ling, Daph, Anger Ang, Weifeng, ! Along with Matthias and Mei Ling. Thanks everyone I've ever met! The CJ experience wouldn't have been the same without you guys! I'm sorry if some of your names are not up here.

Secondly, it's CNY now. The relatives I've met are really nice. A pity I don't know half of them! If my brain was capable, I'd wish to keep up with everyone! That being said, those out there, my BVSS friends and others, don't ever lose touch! Happy Chinese New Year everyone.

18th of july 2006

2006-07-18T05:21:00.000-07:00

What's this day to many people? For many of us, its just another day... Another uneventful, boring kind of day... What's life to you? Honestly... Many of our lives, sadly, revolve around some things which we deem important... Such as, love, studies, sports, mainly passion... Why do we revolve around these? Our world comes crashing down usually if only one of the above criteria is not fulfilled... We become

26th of june 2006!

2006-06-26T07:07:00.000-07:00

School's started, I forgot how it was like to wear a uniform... Absolutely suffocating... Haha... I even slept in class! Haha... Major jet-lag...

About life, I realised,
"I don't want to cry, I don't want to scream... I just want to be defeated... Once again unseen..."
After all, no matter how you struggle, you lose out ultimately... What we call fate, comes along every once in a while and does so... Destroys us...

Oh no! I forgot to go find yi jing mei mei... Haiz... Sorry mei...

Concerning love, my wisdom gained overnight, sometimes, to let a person go is the most beautiful gift one can ever give... I'll embrace that day with a smile... After all I love julia... I want to see her happy...

Bye now...
Chang Yuan

Changes

2006-06-15T21:27:00.000-07:00

People all around you... They change, maybe in terms of personality, others in terms of looks...
Some people definately have to change their character... Because they're jackasses... Not going to mention names but... There are some people who change their character because they think that they have done something wrong...

Sometimes though, things may not appear as they seem... What you perceive as a bad point may be what is exactly beautiful in you... What others think, what others say, you may listen... But my advice is that listen to those closest to you... For they're the ones who know you best... Sometimes, you changing may not exactly be for the better... It may be for the worse...

So... Having said all that, listen to your closest friends and be yourself... That's all I ask julia... K?

Love

Some say it is a sensitive issue... Others say it just sucks... Me, I say it is the most beautiful gift that two people can give each other...

Do I make such a bold statement used to deceive myself, or is it really true? That shall be for oneself to find out...

It can hurt... Of course, it can drive you to do unwise things... It can lead to estacy, depression or even death... Or rather, only idiots would let such a precious gift affect them so negatively... Sometimes, you may think that all things would become okay again if you only just be with that particular person... You know what, I think sometimes its best to just forget that the whole thing ever happened if it isn't your fault... That's my advice to all...

People around me
Haha... Julia, be yourself and enjoy it! ^^ I love you!
While, Yi Jing mei seems to be having the time of her life... Haha.... Keep it up k?
Haha...

K...
I say too much le... Haha...
Bye Bye
Chang Yuan

14th of June 2006

2006-06-14T18:52:00.000-07:00

I just came back from a chalet with all my lifesaving friends... Haha... Made quite a few friends during the chalet... It was one of the greatest experiences I've ever had. We did bowling, soccer, basketball and even had an amazing race! Haha... But it was interrupted as we had injured people. I do hope that they'll get well soon...

After the chalet, I was so happy... But something happened and destroyed my whole fucking mood.

But more than that, the most important thing is... Questions... Who have you become? What happened to you? Why is this happening? What can I do now?

I don't know...
Please answer me...
Chang Yuan

8th of June 2006

2006-06-07T18:53:00.000-07:00

Ever had the feeling that you were to be left behind? Well, I have... What does someone do when his or her very reason to exsist and continue living is going to leave him or her? What would or what should the person do then?

Some would choose to end their lives, others run away from the problem itself... While I, I just don't know what to do... For, my reason is now gone... What will show me the way?
What will I do next?

I don't know
Chang Yuan

Parents

2006-06-04T06:17:00.000-07:00

They say how a parent bring you up is how you'll turn out to be... I say how a parent irritates you is how you're going to be treating them!

Parents, why can't they be more reasonable sometimes! Does it even hurt to hear how their children feel? Why do they have to be the fucking big poser? It just kind of sucks seriously... All the time, they are bellowing," If you're not going to listen to me and respect me, I'm going to fucking punish you! You hear?! " So, that's basically how parents talk... Why the fuck though, I don't know... Sometimes I wish I could throw that line right back at them! Argh!

But, however one feels about his or her parents, he or she must give his or her parents their all... For, without parents, we wouldn't even be here in the first place...

Therefore, my resolution from this day onwards... I'm going to learn to control... Shut up these feelings inside of me...

There is a special person in my life whom I want to thank... And all the people around... Thank you Julia... I don't know what'll do without you...

Other people I'll like to thank... Angel mei, Yi Jing mei, Shi Wah mummy, Guan Qian, Jie Sheng and Kakak! Haha...

That's all for now...
Bye bye
Chang Yuan

Holiday Holiday Holiday

2006-05-30T08:13:00.000-07:00

Can there be anything that sounds and resonates more strongly and sweetly in your ears? Okay, put aside the mushy stuff for now... Haha... When you're having fun during this period, its never enough... Haha... When you're not, however, it is a bore... A serious waste of time... Haha... Most people including myself choose to spend it in front of our computers stationed there... Haha... This unfortunately includes myself... Haha...

But, something that is so great that takes my breath away literally is something I cannot share... ^^

Plus, I have to apologise to someone... I'm sorry Yi Jing mei... :(
Bye...
Chang Yuan

24th May 2006

2006-05-24T06:08:00.000-07:00

My young cousins from austriallia came to my house today! Haha... Children are so cute! I could see them do the craziest things and laugh my ass off! Haha... Its so fun!

However, I witness the saddest scene... Please cheer up mei... Be yourself k? Embrace each day with new expectations and a smile! :)

Bye for now
Chang Yuan

Feelings

2006-05-21T03:40:00.000-07:00

How many time I have been thrown from the sky into the deepest pits, how many times have I been banished to the outer world by your words you won't ever know... Its impossible to have an idea of... How many times my hope has been crushed...

As for how many times I feel in estasy when I'm with you... Its a number that's so small...

Chang Yuan

Everyday

2006-05-19T05:05:00.000-07:00

There is no end... No limit... No such thing as extreme in a thing called

L O V E

why so? There is no explanation. I just can't get enough of it. There is no too much. There is only too little. Julia, I love you...

That's all for today. Words that describe what I can only try to describe.
There is no description for it.
Chang Yuan

Sometimes

2006-05-18T05:39:00.000-07:00

Humans have this very strange tendency... To say something to hurt others or just do it for the fun of it... Its a strange habit... Probably developed somewhere around the stage whereby we try to "improve" ourselves by something called industrialization! And no, it didn't happen in recent times... It dates back as far as thousands of years ago... Ever since we started living in tribes. Believe me, it goes this far. Since we ever had a thought and a little of what we call in modern terms, pride. It just sucks. No other description to describe it. Some, however just have this strange ability and sense to piss people off whenever they want to and it happens to be all the fucking time!

Have you ever said something to your parents and ever wondered how it feels like? Well, I got a taste of it and it ain't nice at all... Argh! I am so not going to do such things ever again. Its such a pain and it cuts right down...

No,
that'll never happen again...
Signing off...
Chang Yuan

Today...

2006-05-17T03:31:00.000-07:00

The streak continues... Burning even more... As if a large amount of fuel has been thrown into it... When will this ever end... I hope it does... Please let it end...

16th May 2006

2006-05-16T18:14:00.000-07:00

In life, relationships, friendship, work... All of these... You'll always have ups and downs... Some ups are so lifting that you would swear you saw the highest layer of the atmosphere... Downs... You would swear you have seen the fiercest fires threatening to wipe out your very exsistence. Such are the things we think about and what we feel... Its inevitable, its a part of growing up and of everyday life no matter your age...

And so, to top it all off, I just had the worst part of my life... A down as some may call it... To the one I'm referring about, (you should know who you are)

please don't leave me... I beg of you with all my heart.

signing off

Chang Yuan

May 10th 2006

2006-05-10T03:21:00.000-07:00

This is the first time... The first year... The first month... That I've noticed that my character has changed drasticly... Dramatically... I have qualms sometimes... I wonder... Is that me? Have I done such things? What a jerk I am. Argh! What could have even made me do such things? Do I really need to do it? Can't I just think carefully, consider consequences, do things I won't regret... Its such a disgusting habit...
Haiz...
Try to change...
Chang Yuan...

argh

2006-05-04T05:49:00.000-07:00

I absolutely cannot stand adrenaline that is caused purely by anger... It rushes through your body causing a rapid rise in body temperature, thoughts to hurt, and etc.
Lesoon learnt today. Never to let anger control you.
Hope I can achieve this.

NAFA

2006-04-20T03:05:00.000-07:00

Damn it! I deproved quite a lot from last year! Argh! That's so infulrating! Haiz... But given the timetable of my current class, I don't think that I would have time to do much sports... What to do... That's life for you...
Well, that's all for now!
Bye bye
Chang Yuan

Sorry...

2006-04-19T07:05:00.000-07:00

I was such a jerk... I said the most irresponsible things... I'm such an idiot... Sometimes I wonder... Hey, have I said all that? Is the one saying that really me? What the fuck am I doing? Haiz... We, as humans, never ever stop and hesitate when we are angry... Yet we expect others to forgive us for our misdeeds...
I'll keep this in mind...
Today only us, infocomm club, had CCA!
Haiz...
A totally boring day...
Bye...
Chang Yuan

Don't get the wrong idea!

2006-04-10T05:35:00.000-07:00

Today was a great day... Haha... I slept during physics... Uneventful... Just another day whereby everything the teacher says goes into your head and yet you're staring at the clock... Wishing that time'll somehow accelerate... Every time you do that though, time seems to crawl along instead... So... Its just kinds of stinks...
Oh ya... For you guys out there, I just sent my gan mei home... Please, for people like Jia Long, Ziyi, Terence, don't get the wrong idea... Its not fucking what you all think...
Well, that wraps it all for now...
bubye...
Chang Yuan

OMG

2006-04-08T14:16:00.000-07:00

... I... ................................................................. Don't know what ot say...

Wow!

2006-04-07T08:36:00.000-07:00

Today was a great day! I ran 11 minutes for my 2.4km! I had the most fun time playing soccer today... Only problem was, I almost became dehydrated... Haha... After that, when I got home, a piece of very good news awaited me! My mei Angel got promoted to deputy band major! Congrats! ^^ Angel, good luck in whatever you do k? :)
Bye...

AwkWARD!!!

2006-04-05T08:02:00.000-07:00

Yi Jing Mei!!! Happy birthday!!! :) Haha... Today was a fun day... We finally did something to please our computer club teacher... And, also, I encountered the most awkward situations... I do hope everything turns out well and works out as well as before... Its such a waste how sometimes one friendship can be ruined so easily... A word, a gesture, anything at all...

That's all for now... Bye...
Chang Yuan ( Josh )

Damn it~~~

2006-04-02T04:42:00.000-07:00

My nose was numb for 3 hours! Haiz... Got elbowed... But eventually it got better... It was a totally boring day today... uneventful...

Class barbeque!

2006-04-01T08:40:00.000-08:00

Haha... It could have been one of the greatest barbeques and party anyone could attend! It was april fool's day so we put wasabi and rubber cockroaches into each other's drinks and offered those drinks to each other! Those who got caught were, unfortunately, caught real good... Haha... We had bowling, truth or dare and we made so much noise that the security guard had to come and chase us away! Haha... During truth or dare, we had the most amusing time! Florence kissed Brendan!!! That, of course, resulted in many cheers and much sadistic amusement... Haha... After that, we went up to Si Min's condo and continued to talk till around 11.30... We took a cab home and we had the most amusing time with a taxi driver who criticised us for forgetting our roots... Haha...

Well, that wraps it all up for now... Till then...

Ahhh!

2006-03-31T03:04:00.000-08:00

Today I played soccer and I conceded so many goals!
I am so fucking rusty... haiz...
Today we had sports day at the clementi stadium... I slept through the prize-giving ceremony...
The even was... Boring...
Also,
I hate it when people who have no experince in an area comes and criticise you about what you do...

Haha...

2006-03-27T05:09:00.000-08:00

Today I did the stupidest of things... I stayed up till two in the morning doing my homework... But later found out that it wasn't meant to be handed in today... So, I ended up dozing off in class missing the precious knowledge of maths that mrs choo was trying to impart to us... Well, to me, not a single word registered in my head... I was too caught up trying to stay awake... Haha... Another thing that happened, I bought a drink at kfc and sat down to drink it with bruno and leonard... I saw someone and raised my hand to say hi... The tray had to be in the way... Unmistakably, I had just wasted a dollar and sixty five cents... Haha... I went home after that and that was all for that particular undesirable day... Lesson learnt, always make sure of something...

School

2006-03-24T23:02:00.000-08:00

It is a place, full of fun, hate, deception... We had computer club yesterday, and boy, we had cameras to play with... I went around taking video footage of people... Some were annoyed though... Haha... Man, I did not know what I waited so long for... Haiz... Anyhow, I'm stuck at home for the time being due to my body's condition... Oh well... That's all for now... Bye...

Hate...

2006-01-03T00:11:00.000-08:00

It can be so powerful... It is a force driven by events that make you unhappy... Just like what I am going to say now... I hate my mother... She is biased against me and she never fails to pick an opportunity to pick a fight with me... She doesn't know anything about certain things and claims that she knows it better than me... What the fuck... I am never ever going to forget this event that happened recently... The thing about parents is that they think that they are always right and do not care about how their children feel or think...
Okay, enough about that... Today was the first day of my school... It was BORING... Not only that... I felt the whole day was wasted...
Haiz... Wanted to get back at my friend for spreading rumour... :P Saw her at west mall but decided not to do so in the end due to a certain reason...
Wel... That's all...
Bye...

Like wow... Back after so long...

2005-12-27T20:51:00.000-08:00

Hi all... It has been a long time... Hmm... Where to start... If you know me, you would know that I just had a dance competition... Okay, don't ask me why I take up dance in the first place... I don't know... Believe me, I got a hell lot of shit from my friends... And I am still getting it now... Haha... But I lost... Like duh... K... That's all... The rest of the holidays were pretty much uneventful...
Bye...

Saturday: The 24th of september

2005-09-23T23:38:00.000-07:00

I just bought a new ball yesterday... At first, it was going to cost me $20 more... But the discount had risen from 15 to 20 percent... In a day! Actually wanted to buy the ball the day before... Wow... How lucky can I get?
I'll just have to find a new time slot for tommorrow... Because my friend suddenly had something on... Oh well, guess I'll be playing by myself tommorrow...
That's all now...
Bye...
Josh

Dance...

2005-09-18T22:36:00.000-07:00

Haha... My first impression of dance was that it was a sissy sport... Haha... But after the first lesson, it was quite fun... I think I will grow to like dancing... Haha... My life now is quite in a mess... Well, lets just say that friends whom I used to trasure have changed... Well, I can't please everyone can I? I hope I will continue to make more and more friends as my journey continues... This journey of life...
Bye now
Josh

Today...

2005-09-04T09:42:00.000-07:00

Was totally boring... I played maplestory at home as it rained the whole day and ruined my afternoon... Which I was gonna spend playing sports... Well, in the course of my game, I have to thank my friend Jia Long... He helped me the whole way... If not I couldn't have become a mage... Thanks for your help! He also helped me realise something else... Anyways that matter was a gone case...
Well, thats all for today...
Bye...
Josh

Today totally sucked...

2005-08-27T06:06:00.000-07:00

I went to play basketball in the afternoon and ended up missing half the shots I made... I ended up being the person catching the rebound... dots... Then I returned home... Tired as I haven't played basketball for a week now... And, do you people have siblings? You should know that the older ones usually are the ones taking care of the younger ones... For my case, (pardon my language) my fucking elder bro doesn't even give a shit about others... All day long, he goes on about his life caring for nobody but his friends. What are his bloody family members for? I asked him to help me upload something on to the computer. He told me that he didn't have time and had to study... BULLSHIT! He could sit in front of the computer seeing news on the soccer world for a whole hour! And he didn't have time to help me upload two images which only takes 5 minutes?! Asshole... Next time if he needs any help, he better not come to me... I would not fucking help him... All his life he only cared about himself and he took all the good things... haiz...
Sorry about the language used...
Josh

My birthday ^^

2005-08-24T03:00:00.000-07:00

Today is my birthday. It was quite memorable as I had nothing of the such in the past. My friend Jia Long sang birthday song for me... Aww... How sweet... The guys from robotics also did the same... ^^ As for Kia Dong, well, today he was really nice... He even told miss ang that I shouldn't sweep the floor as it was my birthday and that I was sick... though that was totally uncalled for... Haha... But I appreciate it la...
But well I finally get gifts this year... Haha... My God Sis Yi Jing got me a present and when the guys from my class read it, they, of course, made a hell lot of noise... A commotion if I may say so... There was Jia Long going :" Gorhx?! That's disgusting!"

Haha... but something is not complete with my birthday... I wish that could happen... But well, that's for me to know and for you to find out...

Bye now
Josh

hi all

2005-08-20T08:43:00.000-07:00

today was a boring day... so I went jogging... and I swore to myself again never to run ever again if it is raining... the stupid sky had to rain halfway through my 5 km run! and that worsened my blocked nose...

haiz... I thought of something today... whatever you do in life, persist all the way... only then can you achieve what you have been looking for... why did I think of this? well, I apply the same principle to jogging... haha... but sometimes if your find that the cause you persist for no longer exsists or is unreachable... then... well... just give up...

Bye now...
Josh

Common test over...

2005-08-17T05:36:00.000-07:00

My common test just came and went... Oh my gosh... It was soo fast! I did not realise that it had passed... Although I had studied for it. My results are good sia... From what I think la... But my maths suck... O well... Today was robotics... Sat in the bloody IT Resource room typing for 2 hours! Boredom in absolute sense... But, I waited with Lucas for Rini, Fenglin and Samuel. After that, when we walked together, Fenglin got scared by me and Lucas to the point where she was about to cry... Haha...
Well,
Thats all...
Bye
Josh

National Day!!!

2005-08-09T05:42:00.000-07:00

Happy national day everybody!!! Haha... Went to a LAN shop today... Played warcraft III there all day!

Well, that's all...
Bye...
Josh

Napha and common test results

2005-08-05T16:35:00.000-07:00

Okay... Erm... Which one to start... Okay... Napha... I finally got it! A gold! First in four years! Wahaha... So happy... My common test results were good as well... So double the joy...
I want to change my life... But then again, things will not always turn out the way that you want them to be...
Today went running for my napha 2.4km run... Got quite a good grade... Then I went to robotics... Got bullied by a teacher... Well, that teacher likes to do that all day long... So I am not the only one...
No matter how hard I try, things between me and a few of my friends who in the past used to be my best friends have changed... So, I guess I should just stop trying... Those who visit this blog, remember to tag k?
Bye now...
Josh

yay...

2005-07-30T01:39:00.000-07:00

keyboard and modem finally back... thank goodness... sheesh... my mom... haiz... anyways... today... went to macdonalds to study... when I was going to meet my father who came to pick me up, met some girls from our class... but, dont think they saw me and ya... whatever... enough of that... met a group of people who were as if they were doing a survey... But turns out that they were on a Christian mission!!!! was lured into their trap!! arghx! they looked innocent at first and ask me about what I thought a friends should be... But, sheesh they gave their game away when they asked whether I knew jesus... I told them that my dad was coming and they asked me if I could go for their youth program during that day... I said I couldn't make it... then Thankfully my dad appeared! haha... Got away! Then I came home and had nothing to do... Haiz...

Well that's that...
BB
Josh

Oh my gosh...

2005-07-24T04:53:00.000-07:00

I can't believe how long has it been since I last posted... Also due to the fact that my mom took the modem... Haha... Okay...Now... It was a totally uneventful weekend... Haiz... Mom didn't allow me to go with my friends again because of my common test!
O...Well... Thats all this time...

BB
Chang Yuan (Josh)

Haha... Today was funny...

2005-07-13T04:53:00.000-07:00

Today was one of the funniest days I have had since... Well, I dont know when... But anyways, it was so funny! The teacher was being biased and then my friend Kia Dong kept on cracking jokes about the teacher from our history lesson that we just had. It was so funny and entertaining! Haha...
But, as usual, to the end of the day I had to go for robotics trianing... Awww.... It was so boring! And, as usual again... I got pissed off by the guys over making a fool out of me... Haha... And I couldn't go swimming!!! So sian!!!
So well, ya...That's all today... Bye....
Chang Yuan

Lost...

2005-07-12T05:33:00.000-07:00

The very person... Whom I thought will believe me has betrayed me... The one whom I went through thick and thin with... Well, I guess this event has proven Dhamirah's point... Never trust anyone... Not even those whom you consider as your best friend... Lucas wee... Haiz... Never mind lar...

Today was WICKED!!!

2005-07-12T04:45:00.000-07:00

WOW! What a great day we had today! I of course, went to school as usual... But guess what? I got to watch predator the movie!!! It was so exciting! I love the part where Arnold was going to smash the predators head!!! But, the sad thing is, the teacher stopped the movie there! HUMPH!!! Haha...

Well, as I expected, my relations with people worsened... Aww...

Hey, Jia Long, whats wrong with you? You were so solemn these two days... Not the one whom I know of which laughs the loudest in our class. Lighten up! If you want to, share you inner thoughts with someone whom you are comfortable with okay? At least that will help you lighten up.

My impression of Guan Qian has really changed since today...

Well, that's all. See you guys again tommorrow...
Bye
Chang Yuan

Monday again...Ho-hum...

2005-07-11T16:40:00.000-07:00

Well, another typical monday... Woke up cranky as usual... Haha... Guess it was due to the fact that I had to wake up early... Well, its just another day... Went swimming! Soooo fun... Haha... It was raining so I had to run 500m with the rest, do some streching (I hate strecthing!) So I guess it is not that typical after all. Instead of swimming we did strecthing... Haha... Okay that's all please check back tommorrow... Bye now

Chang Yuan

YaWnx

2005-07-10T16:38:00.000-07:00

For the whole entire day, I was inactive! I just sat at home watching movies and playing my computer... Shit... If I continue on with this, what a boring life it will be huh?

Well, that's all today... bye...
Chang Yuan

Shit...

2005-07-09T17:05:00.000-07:00

I think I ran too much... My leg's numb!!! Haiz... Just bought new swimming trunks and googles. Yay! :P I have been waiting for this day for very long... Haha... My old swimming pants were worn wayyyy out... By the way, I am still working on the template so pardon me if it is still a little bit weird... Wonder how's monday going to be... Would my relationship with some people improve or worsen... Anyways, in the past I was ignored all the time... But for some reason, I've not grown used to it... Sometimes I wish... I really wish...
But, well, whats the use of wishing? To get what you want you must work hard. But then again, working hard does not neccessarily mean that you would get what you want... But don't ever give up... Persist all the way... You may never know what surprises are lying in wait for you...

Gotta go now,
bye,
Chang yuan

The carnival's over...

2005-07-08T21:09:00.000-07:00

I lost! I lost in both the events that I took part in! ... When the second event came, I got a leg cramp after the first lap... I got helped up by two st john's people... I was so upset then that I cried... Haha... So malu! Anyways we still won the relays! Yay! At least that was a little comfort...

Here are the swimmers of our class: Jia Long (Won 4 golds, took 4 events), Darren (Won 4 golds, took 4 events), Guan Qian (Won 2 golds 1 sliver, took 4 events) and Davis (Won 2 golds, took 2 events) !!! The results are great! I was the only one who let my class down... Haiz... Well... Guess I will just have to work harder then... To improve! Hope that by next year I won't let the class down again...

And well... Something to say to ken... " Good luck With whatever you're doing... And... You're the better choice... You know how to make her laugh, good looking, you can do whatever you want so long as you put your mind into it and at least she doesn't ignore you... Unlike me a total failure... Haha..."

Gotta go now... Please keep checking back... Bye...

I'm so nervous...

2005-07-07T21:07:00.000-07:00

Tommorrow's going to be the school's swimming carnival! And... Well, I am participating... I wouldn't be surprised if I got the last place in every single event that I take part in... Well... Gotta go now... Wish me luck...

Hi guys...

2005-07-05T01:46:00.000-07:00

I can't believe how long it has been since I last updated my blog... It was term one...Now its already term 3...Time really flies doesn't it? Just been back from my holidays... Quite a fun-filled one... By the way... I'm not too successful in making friends... I have never been... Also I just realised that jealousy almost killed me... Hope it doesn't... My new favourite song is Pieces by Sum41... Check it out...Its nice... Bye now...

sian...

2005-03-21T00:49:00.000-08:00

holidays are finally over...Whole week was so fun! Swimming swimming...Ahahahaa...Not much happened todae... That is all...

holidays are here

2005-03-11T16:12:00.000-08:00

haiz....So sian.... Holidays have come but it doesn't feel like a holiday....Got so much hw....Well, hope I can stand it and dont eat for a week!!! Why am I doing that? Cause I am fat... Well, gonna need lots of determination....

irritated

2005-03-10T00:14:00.000-08:00

don't you just hate it when people think they understand you so well even when they pissed you off to the limit and they think that they are smart? It is the exact opposite! Get it into your heads assholes!

Rearrangment of thoughts...

2005-03-08T03:42:00.000-08:00

I thought of something today... This thing was so important to me just a few weeks ago! And now all I want to do is to give it up... Well I guess life does have its unexpected surprises... Sometimes good, sometimes bad... Well, for me I think that this change is for the better... But, then again we would just have to leave it to time...

Don't you just hate it?

2005-03-07T04:42:00.000-08:00

Don't you just hate periodic mood swings?! I got hit by one today and was sad for an hour! My friends all said that I was ACTING! That is so influrating!
Anyways, that is all for today! Bye bye...

ANGER...

2005-03-03T23:16:00.000-08:00

I SIMPLY CANNOT STAND JOKES!!! I do not care whether you are joking or not! If I find it offensive, that is it...
Another thing, Rashidee I do not care if you are joking or not! I will not care about what you say anymore...Find your own bloody way!
Another thing, today was boring...After one month of inactivity, I found out that my basketball skills have gone down the drain!!! That's SO INFLIRATING!

Yay...

2005-03-02T02:05:00.000-08:00

I got 1.5 mb of net speed...I mean...Fianlly... its not going to be lag no more...That's all...(Nothing special happened)

Day...

2005-03-01T01:24:00.000-08:00

I got stuck between my friend and her bf...Ahahaha... Became thier messenger...-_- lols... Well, thats all...

Saddening...

2005-02-28T02:16:00.000-08:00

Another day, I got back my results, and I found out that my Geography is very bad... Only got 32 and a half upon fifty...I got rejected probably for the first time in my life and that is a lesson I would never forget and tat lesson is Never fall in love unless you are sure you have a chance...
But, you can still be friends with the one who rejected you... That is another lesson...

Another day

2005-02-25T00:37:00.000-08:00

FINALE! Ca is over...Got good grades topped the class in science...Ahahaha... :P In the meantime, I change my hairstyle and my friends said that it sucked...-_- $16 dollars went down the drain...O, well maybe I did not gel my hair... That's all for today! BB!

...

2005-02-18T01:55:00.000-08:00

I studied so hard for my science common test, but it turned out that I had wasted my time as it was so easy! And secondly I am making a decision of whether to do something or not...Well, but that would have to be left for time to find out...

Sad news...

2005-02-14T23:50:00.000-08:00

I just went to attend my grand uncle and aunt's funeral...Now not in the mood to say much...

2nd day...

2005-02-04T18:07:00.000-08:00

Sorry...Wont be updating till CA is over...

1st day of blog

2005-02-03T23:54:00.000-08:00

Ah well... 1st day at blog. Still quite new at this though... Sian... CA coming soon so is Chinese New Year... Wish everyone a happy new year... Wish me luck for my CA!

Josh's Site

Huiyi

Just what does it mean to love?

When words and hearts turn cold

03 01 2011

03 01 2011

Embarrassed

If - 23/10/10

If I'm important why isn't there a single mention of me, if I'm your world then why is it outside you see? If I'm the one then why is it doubt now I feel? If time heals all wounds then why does it seemed to have stopped.Then again, if I'm sure, why do I ask.

This is a strictly emo blogsite and post

Contemplated Confessions

Reflection on life

02/02/09

20/1/2009

17/01/09

12/1/2009

10/1/09

Rant.

28th Feb 2008

27th of February 2008

CNY 08

18th of july 2006

26th of june 2006!

Changes

14th of June 2006

8th of June 2006

Parents

Holiday Holiday Holiday

24th May 2006

Feelings

Everyday

Sometimes

Today...

16th May 2006

May 10th 2006

argh

NAFA

Sorry...

Don't get the wrong idea!

OMG

Wow!

AwkWARD!!!

Damn it~~~

Class barbeque!

Ahhh!

Haha...

School

Hate...

Like wow... Back after so long...

Saturday: The 24th of september

Dance...

Today...

Today totally sucked...

My birthday ^^

hi all

Common test over...

National Day!!!

Napha and common test results

yay...

Oh my gosh...

Haha... Today was funny...

Lost...

Today was WICKED!!!

Monday again...Ho-hum...

YaWnx

Shit...

The carnival's over...

I'm so nervous...

Hi guys...

sian...

holidays are here

irritated

Rearrangment of thoughts...

Don't you just hate it?

ANGER...

Yay...

Day...

Saddening...

Another day

...

If I'm important why isn't there a single mention of me, if I'm your world then why is it outside you see? If I'm the one then why is it doubt now I feel? If time heals all wounds then why does it seemed to have stopped.

Then again, if I'm sure, why do I ask.